What are you gonna do? FIRE ME??

Being a cashier at a major grocery store is an interesting business. Probably, if I were to keep a Cashier Diary of my daily adventures, it would make a good book or something. Alas, I have not the energy or the dedication, but I do feel I should share some of my cashier musings.

You get a remarkably wide cross section of humanity, as a cashier. You're the person in the store that everyone has to go through in order to get out, so you get them all. You get, for example, the hipster couple, wearing oversized glasses and potato sacks, buying their organic bananas and muesli. Oddly, these people NEVER have their own bags. Why is this? Shouldn't they be the type who have hemp sacks to carry things in? You also get the Young Parents, in varying states of harrassment because of and joy over the youngsters sitting in one of our Spaceship Carts, eating chocolate chip cookies. The kids are always really cute and the grownups are always a leetle bit annoying. You know it's true. Then there's the Crotchety Old Man, who can easily transform himself into the Lecherous Old Man, depending on whether you decide to smile at them. This brand is actually one of my favourites. He calls you a pretty girl and then, sometimes, if you are lucky, tells you to keep the change. Another favourite is the Obviously Buying Munchies set, who come in around 9 and stock up on Cheezies and pop. And then they giggle their way through your till, and you smile fondly after them, thinking "I was young, once..."

Of course, the customers are not all so pleasant. There are those who restore your faith in humanity, but first there are those who take it away. To demonstrate these people, I have compiled a list of Things I Will Do (or Not Do) On My Last Day as a Cashier. It is as follows.

First, on my Last Day as a Cashier, if some idiot comes up to me and says, "Actually, I've decided not to take this stuff, thanks..." I will smile politely and respond, "Okay! I'll still be here after you've put it all back!" And then refuse to serve them until they do exactly that, thank you so much.
Second, on my Last Day, anyone who just puts their basket full of groceries on my till and then expect me to remove everything, scan it, and then dispose of the basket will get naught but a pointed stare and crossed arms.
Third, to anyone who has buried their reuseable bags under their mountain of groceries and then tries to tell me that it is my job to unpack and repack all their stuff will be laughed at and told, if it's so darned important that they couldn't even remember to tell me said bags exist, they can just do it themselves.
Fourth. Anyone who makes a joke along the lines of "I just printed it this morning!" when I check their money for counterfeiting will get slapped. I will NOT use my "Well, as long as it's fresh, no problems!" line, or my adorable smile. Instead they get a black eye and bloody nose.
Fifth. Anyone who stares for several minutes at my breasts while pretending to have difficulty in reading my name tag, and then says, "Well hellooooo...Kat!" slapped harder than the other guys.
Sixth. Anyone who doesn't tell me they want cash back until after their debit card has gone through, or anyone who requests cash back on a credit card, and then throws a hissy fit temper tantrum when I tell them it can't be done will be sent into a corner to think about how old they claim to be.
Seventh. Anyone who complains about the fact that we no longer sell smokes, and thinks that there is NO conflict of interest now that we sell pharmaceuticals will get a stern talking to about both their health problems and supreme ignorance.
Eighth. Anyone who smells will be offered a complimentary bar of soap.
Ninth. Anyone who tries to give me thirty or more cents in pennies will be told to go away and come back when they have real money.
And finally, anyone who claims that there is a sale on an item that doesn't exist, or tells me how ridiculous it is that they should have to pay so much money for so few items, or doesn't know how much an item costs, or asks me to tell them how much their produce will be before they are willing to buy it will be told EXACTLY where they can go to find cheap prices. And that place is Wal-Mart.